Forgiveness: The Gift You Give Yourself
What comes to mind when you hear: Forgiveness? You may feel like forgiveness is some abstract religious ideal – something preached from pulpits, encouraged by spiritual leaders, or even mandated or expected when someone has caused a deep wound. You may see forgiveness as “letting someone off the hook” or pretending that whatever happened wasn’t that bad. But forgiveness is not weakness nor approval. In fact, research suggests forgiveness is a powerful act of self-care.
What Forgiveness Is and Isn’t
One of the biggest barriers to forgiveness is misunderstanding what it actually means. Forgiveness does not need to be a spiritual practice, and it is not condoning, approving, forgetting, or excusing harmful behavior. It is also not allowing someone back into your life without boundaries, seeking revenge, or “getting even.” Finally, it is not as simple as saying “I forgive you” nor something that can be forced or rushed.
Rather, forgiveness is releasing persistent anger, hostility, and resentment, which allows the offense to continue controlling your life. It recognizes the humanity of the person causing harm without minimizing their actions and creating space for your own healing and growth. Finally, it is a personal decision that only you can make, and a process to begin if and when you are ready. Importantly, forgiveness does not require an apology. It does not and should not depend on whether the person accepts responsibility, expresses remorse, or attempts to make amends. Forgiveness is ultimately about your own healing – not their behavior.
The Hidden Cost of Holding On
When you experience betrayal, abuse, neglect, or other injustices, anger serves an important purpose. It helps you recognize that something wrong occurred and protect yourself from continued harm. However, when anger is chronic, it takes a toll on both mental and physical health. Research has linked ongoing resentment, hostility, fear, and rumination to increased stress, depression and emotional distress, increased substance abuse, compromised immune functioning, heart disease, weight gain, and high blood pressure. In contrast, forgiveness has been associated with better relationships, peace, hope, self-esteem, empathy, kindness, self-assurance, emotional freedom, and well-being.
Forgiveness Is An Ongoing Process
Forgiveness does not happen in a moment. It unfolds gradually over time and may have to be revisited. Psychologist Dr. Robert Enright, a pioneer in forgiveness research, describes forgiveness as a four-phase process:
The Uncovering Phase
This phase involves honestly examining the injury and its effects. It invites full acknowledgement of the pain, instead of trying to avoid it. It involves confronting and eliminating your defense mechanisms, including anger, shame, guilt, and obsession.
The Decision Phase
At this stage, you learn what forgiveness truly means and decide whether you want to pursue it. This is not a commitment to trust again or resume the relationship as is. Instead, it’s recognizing that ongoing resentment is no longer serving you and another path may be possible.
The Work Phase
This phase involves beginning to see the offender through a broader lens. Without excusing harmful behavior, you can explore factors influencing the offender’s actions. This develops empathy, compassion, and even understanding not only towards the offender, but also towards yourself. You also make the conscious effort to not pass your own pain onto others. This is the most challenging and transformative part of the journey.
The Deepening Phase
In this phase, you begin to find meaning in and beyond the suffering. You discover personal strengths, greater compassion, a deeper appreciation for life, and freedom from the emotional grip of the past. The goal is not to celebrate pain, but to acknowledge that growth can emerge from adversity.
Practical Steps
It is important to remember that saying “I forgive you” is not required. In some situations, contact with the offender may be unsafe, impossible, or simply unhelpful. Forgiveness can occur entirely within your own heart and mind. Though it can involve concrete actions, such as: ● Journaling about your experiences and emotions
Writing a letter that you may or may not send
Reflecting on the humanity of the person who hurt you
Practicing compassion toward yourself through kind self-talk and self-care ● Refraining from speaking negatively about the offender
Working with a therapist, counselor, or spiritual mentor
If you are interested in starting your own forgiveness journey, check out Dr. Robert Enright’s book Forgiveness is a Choice or use these forgiveness journaling worksheets from Therapist Aid.
Final Thoughts
Forgiveness is not about erasing the past, but rather about freeing yourself from its continued control. It does not excuse injustice, minimize pain, or require reconciliation. Instead, forgiveness offers the opportunity to release the burden of resentment and shame, reclaim your emotional energy, and move towards greater peace and freedom. It’s up to you whether you choose to pursue forgiveness now, later, or never. Healing begins with recognizing the choice is yours alone.
