The Power of Attachment: How Your Relational Style Shapes Professional Influence
“Leadership is a relationship, not a position.” (Kouzes & Posner, 2017)
Leadership isn’t simply about strategy, vision, or authority—it’s about how we relate. As Kouzes and Posner (2017) remind us, "Leadership is a relationship, not a position." But what defines the quality of that relationship? Beneath communication techniques and leadership frameworks lies something deeper: your attachment style.
This foundational relational pattern not only shapes how you connect personally but also profoundly influences your presence, authority, and power in professional settings. In high-performance spaces, where relationships can help to make or break success, understanding your attachment style can be the hidden key to authentic leadership.
What is Attachment?
Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby (1969), explains how early experiences with caregivers shape our expectations in relationships. Mary Ainsworth (1969, 1978) further refined this theory through the development of the Strange Situation procedure, which identified distinct patterns of attachment in infants. These frameworks for attachment styles have since been extended to adult relationships.
Secure: Comfortable with intimacy and autonomy; able to balance closeness and independence.
Anxious (Preoccupied): Craves closeness but fears abandonment; often reassurance-seeking.
Avoidant (Dismissive): Highly self-reliant, values independence, and can struggle with emotional intimacy.
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant): A combination of anxious and avoidant traits; often follows a seemingly chaotic or unpredictable pattern.
Our attachment styles not only shape our personal relationships—they also profoundly impact how we lead, collaborate, and influence others in professional contexts.
Attachment Blueprints at Work
In high-pressure environments, including in organizations, business and sports, attachment patterns often play out unconsciously. Consider how different styles can manifest in leadership:
Anxiously attached leaders may micromanage or over-function, driven by a need for validation. Their over-involvement can stifle autonomy in others and lead to burnout.
Avoidantly attached leaders can often appear calm and rational, but may seem emotionally unavailable, struggle with delegation, and fail to build trust within teams.
Disorganized leaders can be charismatic but unpredictable—their lack of consistency creates anxiety in teams and decreases psychological safety.
Securely attached leaders, on the other hand, are more likely to exhibit clarity, empathy, and emotional regulation. They foster trust, delegate effectively, and cultivate a culture of safety and innovation.
Leaders with secure attachment are more likely to foster trust, emotional well-being, and high performance, while those with insecure styles may unintentionally create stress or confusion in professional relationships (Davidovitz et al., 2007; Harms, 2011; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
Developing a more secure attachment style, through engagement in personal development such as therapy or coaching, can enhance capacities that are essential in leadership, including:
Emotional regulation: Secure individuals can find it easier to stay calm under pressure and rebound more quickly from setbacks.
Interpersonal trust: They are more likely to build trust within their teams and with clients.
Psychological safety: Secure leaders create environments where team members feel safe to speak up, take risks, and innovate.
Research has also found that securely attached leaders are more likely to engage in transformational leadership behaviors—such as inspiring a shared vision, modeling the way, and fostering collaboration—than those with insecure styles (Harms, 2011)
Rewiring Connection: How High Performers Can Develop a More Secure Attachment
Through intentional self-reflection and inner work, individuals can move toward a more secure attachment style. Pathways toward greater security include:
Therapy or coaching to increase self-awareness and process past relational wounds ● Reflective practices, such as journaling or mindfulness, to observe reactive patterns and create space between trigger and response
Nervous system regulation techniques, such as breathwork or somatic practices
Cultivating emotionally attuned relationships, both personally and professionally, to practice secure relating in real time
In essence, leadership growth is relational growth. As part of a bi-directional process, the more secure we become, the more trustworthy, grounded, and powerful our influence becomes.
Lead Like You’re Secure
Effective leadership goes beyond being strategic. By doing the inner work to become more emotionally attuned and relationally aware, leaders become better listeners, more thoughtful
communicators, and more consistent sources of trust and stability for those around them - which inevitably improves team or organizational functioning and performance.
Imagine a leader who can manage disagreement without defensiveness, who can delegate from a place of calm rather than chaos, and can create an environment where others feel valued and empowered. These capacities often emerge from an internal shift in how we relate to ourselves and others.
In my work with high-performers, I’ve witnessed how leaders can create tremendous shifts in their team environment as a result of becoming more emotionally attuned and relationally secure within themselves. By becoming increasingly able to understand and regulate their own emotions, they become better communicators, and ultimately delegate and negotiate with greater ease. Changing the responses of others often begins with changing our own reactions to exude greater internal security, confidence, and receptivity.
Even becoming more aware of your attachment style can help you be more mindful of your own unhelpful reactions and reduce interpersonal conflict. Reflect on this:
When under stress, do you tend to withdraw, over-control, or seek reassurance?
Do you trust your team, or do you struggle to let go of control? How might this be impacting team performance?
How do you respond when someone disappoints or challenges you?
Leading from a place of greater security and effectiveness begins with becoming more conscious of your relational patterns - from a place of awareness, transformation becomes possible. The power to lead with impact starts within.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1969). Object relations, dependency, and attachment: A theoretical review of the infant-mother relationship. Child Development, 40(4), 969–1025.
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment (2nd ed.). Basic Books.
Davidovitz, R., Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., Izsak, R., & Popper, M. (2007). Leaders as attachment figures: Leaders’ attachment orientations predict leadership-related mental representations and followers' performance and mental health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 93(4)
Dr. Alina Schulhofer OP Blog 4
Harms, P. D. (2011). Adult attachment styles in the workplace. Human Resource Management Review, 21(4), 285–296.
Kouzes, J. M., & Posner, B. Z. (2017). The leadership challenge (6th ed.). Jossey-Bass.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.
