Beyond BDSM: Masochism in Everyday Life
When most people hear the word masochism, they immediately think of sexuality or BDSM. But from a psychological point of view, masochism also refers to patterns that show up everywhere in daily life, not just in sexual behavior: patterns of self-defeat, self-sabotage, and the repeated gravitation toward relationships or situations that generate suffering.
In many cases, masochism has little to do with erotic pleasure. It reflects an emotional belief, formed long ago, that pain is necessary for love, connection, success, safety, or belonging. In this sense, masochistic behavior is not about a desire for suffering, but about a deeper conviction that enduring pain achieves something important—or prevents something even worse.
People who predominantly operate from these patterns are often described as “their own worst enemy.” Many talented, intelligent individuals get remarkably close to the lives they want, professionally or relationally, only to derail their progress at the most critical moment. They may repeatedly find themselves in painful relationships, miss out on opportunities they worked for, or behave in ways that seem, even to themselves, strangely self-defeating.
Masochistic or self-defeating patterns can take many forms. Some are subtle; others are dramatic:
Perfectionism / impossibly high standards: They demand flawless performance from themselves, but because the goal is unattainable, they are guaranteed to “fail.” This cycle fuels chronic guilt, shame, and the belief that they must suffer more or try harder.
Underachievement despite exceptional ability: These individuals often know they are capable of more, yet consistently fall short of their potential. They may procrastinate, avoid opportunities, or derail promising situations right when success becomes reachable.
Chronic self-criticism: Their internal voice is harsh, punitive, and intolerant of mistakes. They may feel perpetually inadequate, no matter how much they accomplish.
Feeling overly responsible for others’ needs: They may go to extraordinary lengths to please others, overextend themselves, or maintain peace at any cost – believing their worth depends on it.
Passive or submissive interpersonal dynamics: Masochistic individuals may defer excessively to others, stay in disempowering relationships, or avoid expressing preferences. The fear of disappointing or angering others overrides their own desires.
A pervasive sense of guilt or undeservingness: Success can provoke anxiety rather than joy. Moments of good fortune can feel “wrong,” prompting an unconscious need to restore the familiar emotional baseline of struggle.
Where Do These Patterns Come From?
These dynamics generally have deep developmental roots. They often form in early environments where:
Love was paired with pain or sacrifice
Success was met with envy, punishment, or withdrawal
Caregivers were inconsistent or emotionally unavailable
Parents modeled self-punishing or martyr-like behavior
Cultural or religious messages glorified self-sacrifice
Over time, these early lessons crystallize into unconscious expectations about what relationships or success must feel like. Suffering becomes equated with virtue, humility, or moral strength.
How Therapy Helps Break These Patterns
Healing these dynamics in therapy involves:
Identifying self-defeating behaviors
Understanding their emotional and developmental origins – how these patterns once protected the person or ensured connection
Developing healthier relational patterns, including boundaries, assertiveness, and the ability to tolerate being cared for
Building tolerance for success, pleasure, and stability – for many, this is the hardest part: learning to feel safe while things are going well
Cultivating a more compassionate internal voice to replace the harsh, punitive self-critic
Creating a new internal template where well-being does not require suffering as its price
Therapy provides a space in which the individual can explore these patterns and learn to experience connection, success, and self-worth without chronic or excessive self-sacrifice. Over time, this allows them to step out of old patterns and begin choosing experiences that nourish rather than wound them.
